Still Single...

Dear Blog-

Apparently... I can already visualize the duct-tape over your mouth... isn't a good pick-up line. Can any of my readers help me out with a better one?

Your pal,

jme

Renaissance Man

Dear Blog-

It's 9:30 in the morning... and I haven't eaten any meat yet!! I'm so vegetarian!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Unfortunately... I did run over 3 cats and 2 dogs on my drive to work this morning... but I only eat those when I'm in Mexico.

I'm Shocked!!

Dear Blog-

Corey Feldman's wife has just filed for divorce. WHAT?!?!? IS SHE KR@ZY?!?!? How could anyone NOT love bad boy C-Feld? Do I need to remind her that he starred in such classic films such as Goonies, Stand By Me, and The Lost Boys... and was Michael Jackson's BFF for about 3 months in 1987?!?!? He's an awesome actor AND a huge sexxx symbol!! Does Susannah Feldman think she can do better? She'd be lucky to get Warren Beatty.

Your pal Corey,

jme

My DNA Make-Up

Dear Blog-

I am a cesspool of recessive genes.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Fuck Warren Beatty and his dominant genes!!

Say What?

Dear Blog-

Rose! You're so stupid. Why did you do that, huh? You're so stupid, Rose. Why did you do that? Why?

Your pal,

jme

WOTW

Dear Blog-

The word of the week is... Yee-haw

A non-descript exclamation which usually accompanies a lot of hooting and whistling at whatever is causing the excitement. Most likely coined in the southern states of North America (Texas). Can also be used to punctuate traditional country and western music. It might also be exclaimed by the rider of a bull or bucking bronco at a rodeo or by their spectators.

Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

1. When the doctor told me to bend over so he could check my prostate... I said... yee-haw!!

2. When the doctor told me it was only herpes... I said... yee-haw!!

3. When the wiffleball tournament was finally over... I said...yee-haw!!

4. When Ruben beat Clay Aiken... I said... yee-haw!!

5. Whenever I sees me a mechanical bull... I says... yee-haw!!

Okay... now it's your turn to use this word in a sentence... and this week it's super easy!! You don't even have to conjugate a verb or anything... or worry about splitting your infinitive. All you have to say is... YEE-HAW!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. When I found out Warren Beatty wouldn't be on next season's DWTS... I said... yee-haw!!

I Swallowed White Creamy Stuff

Dear Blog-

A friend tricked me into swallowing some white creamy stuff last night. I know what you're thinking... and the answer is yes... like a good little boy... I got it all down!! How did it happen? Well I'm glad you asked... here's a recap of last night.

My friend said... open your mouth... you don't have to put the whole thing in if you don't want to... and before I knew it... there was white creamy stuff everywhere in my mouth. I recognized the taste from when I was a kid and spent the weekend at bible camp with Father McMahon. It was gross... that mother-fucker put mayonnaise on everything!!

Anyway... I swallowed sushi with "secret-sauce" all down like a good little boy... then I went home and brushed my teeth about a zillion times. I didn't like it... but I want my friend to like me... so I guess I would do it again.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Does anyone else have a similar story like this that they can share?

And Counting...

Dear Blog-

The number is now up to 34.

Your pal,

jme

WOTW

Dear Blog-

The word of the week is...
;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

I'm not really sure if it's a noun... verb... adjective... it doesn't end in "LY"... so I guess we can rule out adverb... anyway... here's the definition:

What I say to myself when I get really pissed off.

Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

1. When my mom threw away my best porno-mag... all I could think was
;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

2. When it's still 100 degrees in October... all I can think is
;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

3. When no one will go roller-skating with me... all I can think is
;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

4. When no one will go karaoking with me... all I can think is
;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

5. When I can't be Stephen Hawking for Halloween... because the wheelchair at the Pawn Shoppe was $800... all I could think was ;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

Okay... I need to breathe. Deep breaths....

How about we try something new this week? Since you can't technically say this word this week... how about you (my reader) leave me a comment about what really gets you angry. This could be educational for all of us. I could learn a little bit more about my reader/s and maybe I could help you by blogging about those very things.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. When I think of Warren Beatty... all I can think is ;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

Winter Time

Dear Blog-

I still need to lose 5 lbs. before I can fit into my skinny jeans!! DAMN YOU, WATER WEIGHT!!

Your bloated pal,

jme

WOTW

Dear Blog-

The word of the week is...
helicopter

verb

When naked, a male moves up and down in a hula hoop motion, which causes the flaccid wiener-ma-bob to spin like a propeller. This act, although mainly done by children, is also enjoyed by many men and their female audiences.

Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

1. I can only do the helicopter in a counter-clockwise motion.

2. I don't make noise when I do the helicopter... that's because I'm the pilot of a Black-Hawk-Stealth-Bomber-Under-Cover-Secret-Mission-Helicopter!!

3. One time when I was doing the helicopter... I hovered 6 inches in the air.

Okay... that last one's a lie... it was only 3 inches.

Well now... the rest is up to you! You need to use this word in your everyday vocabulary this week... and double points if you actually DO IT!! WAIT!! Did I just hear one of my female readers say... THAT'S NOT FAIR!! LADIES DON'T HAVE WIENER-MA-BOBS!! Please... you know I'm all about diversity. You can use you vagina-ma-bob!! I mean... most of you are stretched out anyway. Just use your labia as a double-bladed-propeller!! WHEE!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. I'd like to take my helicopter and make a crash landing on Warren Beatty's hairy chest.

Nobel Peace Prize

Dear Blog-

Everyone is making a big deal about President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Some like it... some don't... some people like Warren Beatty... and some people like anal bleaching. Guess what? I don't care!! When he wins the Nobel Prize in... ECONOMICS... then I will care!!

Your broke-ass pal,

jme