And Counting...

Dear Blog-

Now the number is up to 7.

Your pal,

jme

Kids

Dear Blog-

A nine year old just called me a... "bald-ass-monkey-fucker!!" It was hard to argue with her.

Your pal,

jme

Did You See It?

Dear Blog-

Last night will go down in history as... "ONE OF THE GREATEST NIGHTS IN TEE-VEE LAND HISTORY!!" (times 2!!)

What am I talking about? How could you ask such a s2pid question? I'm talking about the season finale of...

DANCING WITH THE STARS!! OMG!! (times 3!!)

As you know... it's been neck and neck all season long with front runner Olympic gold medalist, Shawn Johnson and bad-boy, Giles Marini. Now I have to admit... I do like me some bad-boy!! (times 4!!) However... it was all about Ms. Johnson last night!!

First... she was prrrfect in the Cha-Cha... scoring 30/30 points on the judges cards. Originally... I had only scored her a 29/30 points... but thank god for tivo!! The reason I scored her 29/30 was because... I thought she was a little off on her static metronome beats, thus making her turn/spin slightly flat. However... it really wasn't her fault. Tivo proved that to me later. So what was the problem you ask? Poor choice of music. PYT... just doesn't do it for me. Thank god for tivo/instant replay. Hey... if hockey, football, baseball, and basketball can use it... then so can I!!

Next... there was bad boy Giles Marini. They have been neck and neck with one another all season long... and it's only fitting that it would come down to the season finale ... like game 7 of a Championship Series. Marini vs. Johnson. Magic vs. Bird. Borg vs. McEnroe. Gretzky vs. Lemieux. Bert vs. Ernie.

Mr. Marini was stellar in his Argentine Tango. His adorno, sacada, cadencia, and mordida were nothing short of PSP (Porn-Star-Prrrfect!!). He impressed everyone watching... including the judges... who gave him 30/30 points. I too scored him 30/30... and I didn't need tivo to help me make up my mind!! However... I did watch him a little bit in slow motion when he did his syncopation-hip-flexor- twist-and-stick-it move. Mmm... it was nice. He's such a bad boy!!

Well... can you believe it?!?!? With the score nodded-up at 30 to 30 they they had to go into overtime!! (Readers note: I have goosebumps the size of an Armenian woman's areolae right now as I type this!!) Anyway... I was a little disappointed when I found out there wouldn't be a dance off. No... Grease III wasn't going to happen tonight. But I was pleasantly tickled to death when I found out that... "You the viewer can call in... and cast your vote to decide the tie breaker!!" I was so excited a little pee came out. It was warm.

Now... who was I going to vote for? Bad-Boy-G-Mar... or Sweet Princess Johnson? I sat there in my viewing room and tried to be as fair and as honest as possible. I forced myself not to stare at my walls that are covered with Giles Marini posters. Who was I going to vote for?!?!?!?

Well as you know... I do like me some Bad-Boys... but I also like me some Princesses a little bit more!!

Congratulations Ms. Lady Princess Shawn Johnson!! You are nothing short of spectacular!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. If only Warren Beatty could be on DWTS next year!!

3 Second Rule

Dear Blog-

Does the "3 Second Rule" apply if you're urinating in the men's restroom... and your gum falls out of your mouth... and lands on one of those blue urinal cakes? I mean... those things are clean... right? At least they taste clean.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. My tongue looks like Warren Beatty's balls after a date with a girl scout.

Friends

Dear Blog-

I liked Chandler the best when he was fat.

Your pal,

jme

...And Counting

Dear Blog-

So far the number is 3...

Your pal,

jme

The Neighbors Are Pissed

Dear Blog-

Apparently I scream in my sleep. I must have had that reoccurring dream again. You know... the one where Warren Beatty is mowing his lawn... shirtless!!

Your pal,

jme

Guess What?

Dear Blog-

WHEE!!

Your pal,

jme

Keep Steroids Legal

Dear Blog-

Manny Ramirez is the latest baseball player to get busted for steroids. You know what? I think steroids SHOULD be legal in baseball!! Not by the players... but by the umpires.

Think about it... would you argue balls and strikes with someone you know was suffering from "roid-rage?" I think not! It would help speed up the game and it might be fun to watch a couple of "spoiled-assed-millionaires" get their asses kicked.

Man... I wish Warren Beatty played baseball!!

Your pal,

jme

This Isn't Funny... He's After Me!!

Dear Blog-

I just ate a bug. I was eating some macadamia nuts and when I ate the first one I thought, "HHMMM... these seem a little dry." Did that stop me? No! Why? Because I'm an idiot!! When I put the last handful of nuts* (insert joke here!) in my mouth** (insert another joke here) I noticed some little black bugs crawling around in my bag. DAMN YOU, SPROUTS!!

Anyway, I have a conspiracy theory on this. I know I only have 3 readers (at most)... but one of them must be Warren Beatty. I'm sure he sits at home and Googles himself all day long AND reads everything written about him!! I think he's trying to kill me!! I don't have any proof... yet... and I know this is all hearsay... but I know he has "people." (please read "Taxes" blog post for more proof).

Okay... that being said... I just want my other 2 readers to know... that if I end up "missing"... to please have Warren Beatty arrested ASAP!! I know he's watching me! In fact... I can still smell his High Karate after shave lotion in my house. Wait! That might just be the lingering hot musky scent of the tranny I picked up last night. HHMMM... it doesn't matter?!?! I know he's after me!!

Your pal,

jme

Seriously... These People Are Still Alive?!?!?

Dear Blog-

Here's a list of people that I thought were dead, but are apparently still alive!

Jack Klugman
George McGovern
Norman Lear
Sid Caesar
Chuck Yeager
Doris Day
John Wooden
Art Linkletter
Les Paul
Kirk Douglas
Oral Roberts
Mickey Rooney
Hugh Downs
Leroy Neiman
Jane Russell
Monty Hall
Angelo Dundee
Betty White
Carl Reiner
Judge Wapner
Most of The Golden Girls
Sherwood Schwartz
Ernest Borgnine
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Lena Horne
Phyllis Diller
Betty Ford
Nancy Reagan
Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby...)
Gene Wilder
Jonathan Winters
Bob Barker
Boz Skaggs
Andy Griffith
B.B. King
Buddy Guy
Elvis
Jesus... and
Warren Beatty (I can't wait to take your name off this list!!)

Your pal,

jme

He Was Still Alive?!?!?

Dear Blog-

Dom DeLuise has died. I honestly thought he died a long time ago. I don't think he ever worked with Warren Beatty. R.I.P. Dom. F.U. Warren!!

Your pal,

jme

Guess What I'm Doing?

Dear Blog-

I'm blogging.

Your pal,

jme

Twitter

Dear Blog-

What the hell is Twitter? And Does Warren Beatty have one? I know Oprah does.

Your pal,

jme