Brat Pack

Dear Blog,

Charlie Sheen beat up his wife...now I can't watch Two And A Half Men. Fuck you, Charlie Sheen...go suck Warren Beatty's wiener-ma-bob while Woody Allen films it.

Your pal,

jme

P.S. How is C-Feld out of work and Charlie Sheen isn't?

X-mas!!

Dear Blog-

If I hear another fucking christmas song...

Your pal,

jme

Twilight III

Dear Blog-

Who am I kidding?!?! They're both sexxxy-awesome!! I love them both!! Take me Edward!! Take me Jacob!! Do with me ass you wish...

Your pal,

jme

Twilight II

Dear Blog-

I change my mind. Team Edward Rules!!

Your pal,

jme

Twilight

Dear Blog-

Team Jacob Rules!!

Your pal,

jme

Still Single...

Dear Blog-

Apparently... I can already visualize the duct-tape over your mouth... isn't a good pick-up line. Can any of my readers help me out with a better one?

Your pal,

jme

Renaissance Man

Dear Blog-

It's 9:30 in the morning... and I haven't eaten any meat yet!! I'm so vegetarian!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Unfortunately... I did run over 3 cats and 2 dogs on my drive to work this morning... but I only eat those when I'm in Mexico.

I'm Shocked!!

Dear Blog-

Corey Feldman's wife has just filed for divorce. WHAT?!?!? IS SHE KR@ZY?!?!? How could anyone NOT love bad boy C-Feld? Do I need to remind her that he starred in such classic films such as Goonies, Stand By Me, and The Lost Boys... and was Michael Jackson's BFF for about 3 months in 1987?!?!? He's an awesome actor AND a huge sexxx symbol!! Does Susannah Feldman think she can do better? She'd be lucky to get Warren Beatty.

Your pal Corey,

jme

My DNA Make-Up

Dear Blog-

I am a cesspool of recessive genes.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Fuck Warren Beatty and his dominant genes!!

Say What?

Dear Blog-

Rose! You're so stupid. Why did you do that, huh? You're so stupid, Rose. Why did you do that? Why?

Your pal,

jme

WOTW

Dear Blog-

The word of the week is... Yee-haw

A non-descript exclamation which usually accompanies a lot of hooting and whistling at whatever is causing the excitement. Most likely coined in the southern states of North America (Texas). Can also be used to punctuate traditional country and western music. It might also be exclaimed by the rider of a bull or bucking bronco at a rodeo or by their spectators.

Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

1. When the doctor told me to bend over so he could check my prostate... I said... yee-haw!!

2. When the doctor told me it was only herpes... I said... yee-haw!!

3. When the wiffleball tournament was finally over... I said...yee-haw!!

4. When Ruben beat Clay Aiken... I said... yee-haw!!

5. Whenever I sees me a mechanical bull... I says... yee-haw!!

Okay... now it's your turn to use this word in a sentence... and this week it's super easy!! You don't even have to conjugate a verb or anything... or worry about splitting your infinitive. All you have to say is... YEE-HAW!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. When I found out Warren Beatty wouldn't be on next season's DWTS... I said... yee-haw!!

I Swallowed White Creamy Stuff

Dear Blog-

A friend tricked me into swallowing some white creamy stuff last night. I know what you're thinking... and the answer is yes... like a good little boy... I got it all down!! How did it happen? Well I'm glad you asked... here's a recap of last night.

My friend said... open your mouth... you don't have to put the whole thing in if you don't want to... and before I knew it... there was white creamy stuff everywhere in my mouth. I recognized the taste from when I was a kid and spent the weekend at bible camp with Father McMahon. It was gross... that mother-fucker put mayonnaise on everything!!

Anyway... I swallowed sushi with "secret-sauce" all down like a good little boy... then I went home and brushed my teeth about a zillion times. I didn't like it... but I want my friend to like me... so I guess I would do it again.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Does anyone else have a similar story like this that they can share?

And Counting...

Dear Blog-

The number is now up to 34.

Your pal,

jme

WOTW

Dear Blog-

The word of the week is...
;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

I'm not really sure if it's a noun... verb... adjective... it doesn't end in "LY"... so I guess we can rule out adverb... anyway... here's the definition:

What I say to myself when I get really pissed off.

Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

1. When my mom threw away my best porno-mag... all I could think was
;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

2. When it's still 100 degrees in October... all I can think is
;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

3. When no one will go roller-skating with me... all I can think is
;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

4. When no one will go karaoking with me... all I can think is
;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

5. When I can't be Stephen Hawking for Halloween... because the wheelchair at the Pawn Shoppe was $800... all I could think was ;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

Okay... I need to breathe. Deep breaths....

How about we try something new this week? Since you can't technically say this word this week... how about you (my reader) leave me a comment about what really gets you angry. This could be educational for all of us. I could learn a little bit more about my reader/s and maybe I could help you by blogging about those very things.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. When I think of Warren Beatty... all I can think is ;kljsdfkjhfiurhjdfnvjkndfjn dfonfdonvorje98ron549 834ui4of589yt 943h9843ytng h9845y9t85ut5jh5498u549 855998uy548439t854!!

Winter Time

Dear Blog-

I still need to lose 5 lbs. before I can fit into my skinny jeans!! DAMN YOU, WATER WEIGHT!!

Your bloated pal,

jme

WOTW

Dear Blog-

The word of the week is...
helicopter

verb

When naked, a male moves up and down in a hula hoop motion, which causes the flaccid wiener-ma-bob to spin like a propeller. This act, although mainly done by children, is also enjoyed by many men and their female audiences.

Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

1. I can only do the helicopter in a counter-clockwise motion.

2. I don't make noise when I do the helicopter... that's because I'm the pilot of a Black-Hawk-Stealth-Bomber-Under-Cover-Secret-Mission-Helicopter!!

3. One time when I was doing the helicopter... I hovered 6 inches in the air.

Okay... that last one's a lie... it was only 3 inches.

Well now... the rest is up to you! You need to use this word in your everyday vocabulary this week... and double points if you actually DO IT!! WAIT!! Did I just hear one of my female readers say... THAT'S NOT FAIR!! LADIES DON'T HAVE WIENER-MA-BOBS!! Please... you know I'm all about diversity. You can use you vagina-ma-bob!! I mean... most of you are stretched out anyway. Just use your labia as a double-bladed-propeller!! WHEE!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. I'd like to take my helicopter and make a crash landing on Warren Beatty's hairy chest.

Nobel Peace Prize

Dear Blog-

Everyone is making a big deal about President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Some like it... some don't... some people like Warren Beatty... and some people like anal bleaching. Guess what? I don't care!! When he wins the Nobel Prize in... ECONOMICS... then I will care!!

Your broke-ass pal,

jme

Phoenix Mercury

Dear Blog-

The Phoenix Mercury won game #1 against the Indiana Sting/Shock... I don't know what they call themselves... but the Mercury won... in overtime!! I'm stoked... and completely impudent at the same time. I think I'm gonna eat a Mexican-Viagra when I watch the next game... and see if anything happens to my wiener-ma-bob. Stay tuned...

Your pal,

jme

P. S. I haven't been this turned-off since I saw the Warren Beatty marathon on the Oxygen Channel.

WOTW

Dear Blog-

The word of the week is
rusty trombone

noun

When a guy stands up straight, while a girl licks his asscrack and jerks him off


Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

1. OMG... I've been doing it wrong for years!! (I know that doesn't have the word rusty trombone in it... but I'm just being honest!!)

2. HHMMM...

3. God... I wonder what ever happened to that grrrl...

4. I hope to get a rusty trombone for christmas.

Okay... even I learned a few thing with this week's WOTW.

Your pal,

jme

P.S. I bet Warren Beatty gives excellent rusty trombones!!

WOTW

Dear Blog-

First, I only had one reader last week... and the suggested WOTW was... lame?!?!?! Yeah... pretty much.

Okay... this week's word is...

Superman-Dat-Hoe

verb

When you are with a girl and you don't get any action, you wait until she falls asleep, then jack off onto her back so when she rolls over, the sheet sticks to her back...giving her a cape.

Okay... before we use it in a sentence... I wanna draw a few things to your attention. First, you may recognize this word from Soulja Boy. Yep... you're correct!! Next, you may realize that the definition isn't very "diverse." DON'T BLAME ME!! Blame Urban Dictionary!! So... I want to point out that... YES... a guy can do this to another guy!! Let's keep it REAL here at my blog and welcome everybody!! (just to make things easy... I'm going to write my sentences as if I am with a woman... but please feel free to use your sentences however you see fit).

Sweet... now let's use it in a sentence.

I was just about to Superman-Dat-Hoe when she suddenly rolled over and I could see her face. Her face was my kryptonite.

Hey!! I think I just saved $50 on a Halloween costume this year!! (yeah... I know that doesn't have Superman-Dat-Hoe in it... but I'm just sayin'...)


After I gave her a two-finger cul-de-sac, she fell asleep. So I Superman-Dat-Hoe!! (that one is worth 2 points!!)

Okay... the rest is up to you. Use this word as part of your everyday vocabulary this week... at work... with your friends... at the bar... and pretty soon you'll be getting that early inheritance, promotion, and poon-tang galore!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Fuck you Warren Beatty. I'll give Annette Benning a Superman-Dat-Hoe.

Jonas Brothers Part IV

Dear Blog-

Who am I kidding? I love all the Jonas Brothers!!

Your pal,

jme

Jonas Brothers Part III

Dear Blog-

I change my mind... AGAIN!! My favorite Jonas Brother is now Kevin.

Your pal,

jme

Jonas Brothers Part II

Dear Blog-

I change my mind. My favorite Jonas Brother is Joe.

Your pal,

jme

Jonas Brothers

Dear Blog-

I think Nick is my favorite Jonas Brother.

Your pal,

jme

Dirty-Road House-Ghost

Dear Blog-

My favorite actor... from May 1987 to the first 5 months of 1990... has died. That's right... Mr. Patrick Swayze... is dead. In that time, he made three movies. What movies you ask? Well... READ THE FUCKING TITLE AGAIN... YOU HIP-THRUSTING, RED-NECK, SISSY!!

Speaking of red-neck, hip-thrusting, sissies... go out and buy (don't rent!!) "Dirty Dancing," "Road House," and "Ghost." Then ask yourself... Why the hell didn't this guy take his own life 20 years ago? If you're still not convinced... buy (DON'T RENT!!) "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar." Seriously... that's the actual name of the movie. Seriously times 2... I can't believe he didn't kill himself before Michael Jackson!!

You know what... if I'm ever playing charades... and the clue is "movie"and some dumb-ass-mother-fucker writes down "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar" ... they're going to be joining Mr. Patrick Swayze... in heaven.

That's right... Mr. Swayze is in heaven...and he's an angel right now. His sexxxy-hips, his Hollywood hair, and the fact that he was in "Skatetown, U.S.A." pretty much secured him a spot with Our Lord Jesus Christ Almighty... years before his passing! Hallelujah!! That's more than I can say about you, Michael Jackson.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Don't worry... Warren Beatty is still going to hell!!

WOTW

Dear Blog-

I couldn't think of a word this week... so how about you/my readers give me one!!

Your pal,

jme

WOTW

Dear Blog-

Herer is our Word Of The Week.

Labor Day

noun. A national holiday in the United States and Canada in honor of working people. Labor Day is observed on the first Monday in September.

Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

I didn't have to do shit on Labor Day.

Okay... good enough. You only have a 4 day work week... so try and use this word as many times as you can in the next 4 days. Here's another example:

How was your Labor Day? It was great!! I gave myself a 2-finger-cul-de-sac with my hair-fork!

Your pal,

jme

Listen Up!!

Dear Blog-

ijhrg89utjpgh854uy 5t90u85-09u8 j8903u8tu8tu3 apj89t 798347ut htjh98t7u 89yut4n hgnpqrye 90873t09 4u3t8975t489th 89u3t89ut9 jkvnd89473jgnio43jhg98ri ukhreg89y54jhgiojwe987943tnv re8ru89798kgrenkn griorue87rjklnnjkgtn4u3897t4jr

k430uirgiu3409utt4n i43890tu4398tu4u3jg9034u 4u30t89 uiotjh03 89uio43ut90u43 iogf834ut8904ju3tij!!

Your Pal,

jme

P. S. jhrdsuhy984yu398hg4h3gf98y4389ty Warren Beatty!!

Sleep

Dear Blog-

I've been sleeping like a baby lately. Who needs Propofol!?!

Your pal,

jme

WOTW

Dear Blog-

Hi, everybody. This week's word is...

two-finger-cul-de-sac

noun

When a man inserts two fingers into a woman, and moves them round and round in a circle.


Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

1. I wonder if Fonzie ever gave Joanie a two-finger-cul-de-sac?

2. According to the definition, a two-finger-cul-de-sac can NOT be performed on another man. HHMMM... I'm doing it right now.

3. Also... according to that definition... a woman can NOT give another woman a two-finger-cul-de-sac. (Urban Dictionary is not down with diversity!!)

4. When I was 12, I used to give girls a two-finger-cul-de-sac... then I figured out what my wiener-ma-bob was for.

5. If you get lost in the two-finger-cul-de-sac... stick your thumb out and hitch a ride.

Okay... now add this word to your everyday conversations. It's easy!

Your pal,

jme

And Counting...

Dear Blog-

I've been away for a while... so the number is now up to 27.

Your pal,

jme

Beat It vs. Propofol

Dear Blog-

It's official. Michael Jackson died of a Propofol overdose. Here's a snip from msn.com

On the morning Jackson died, Murray said he tried to induce sleep without using propofol, starting first with valium at 1:30 a.m. When he was still awake at 2 a.m., Murray injected Jackson with lorazepam, then injected him with midazolam at 3 a.m. Murray told police he administered several other drugs over the next few hours.

By 10:40 a.m., Jackson, still unable to sleep, urged Murray to give him propofol. Murray said in court documents that he administered 25 milligrams of the drug at that time, then left Jackson alone under the influence of the drug to make phone calls to his Houston office. When he returned, Jackson was not breathing.

Hey Mike!! You know what I do when I can't sleep? I rub one out!! I get my blue-ray-dvd-copy of Home Alone II, The Lost Boys, or Season 3 of Webster...and... Punch! One!! Out!!!

It's self-administered (unless you wanna call Macaulay Culkin, Corey Feldman, or Emanuel Lewis... last I checked... none of them were doctors) and the death-rate is almost 0%. Although... David Carradine or Michael Hutchence might not agree with me.

Anyway, you would still be alive Mike... but I guess you forgot how to "Beat It!!"

Your pal,

jme

P. S. I'm giving my readers... both of them... permission to masturbate... you're welcum!!

Word Of The Week

Dear Blog-

I know I haven't done a WOTW in a while... please forgive me. I hope my reader hasn't gotten less smarted. Or is it more dumber? Anyway, here's your word.

hair-fork

–noun

1. a toothed strip of plastic, hard rubber, bone, wood, or metal, used for arranging the hair, untangling it, or holding it in place.

Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

1. When Fonzie wanted to hit on the 15 year old high school grrrls at Arnold's, he would go into his office (which was really a bathroom), and slick himself down with his hair-fork.

2. The writer of this blog doesn't have any hair, so he needs a hair-spoon. (I know that sentence doesn't have hair-fork in it, but I need to be honest with my readers. I've never lied to you... and I'm not gonna start now.)

3. I genuinely dislike people. (Again... I know that sentence doesn't have hair-fork in it... but I'm being honest.)

Okay... you know what to do now. Use this word as many times as you can for the next 6 days... and I mean REALLY use it!! Try and say it around your peers and co-workers... with a straight face. See if they judge you... and if they do... I would like to refer you back to sentence #3!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. I wonder if Warren Beatty would let me use his hair-fork on his shriveled up ball-sack?

80's Icon

Dear Blog-

It looks like we won't be seeing Home Alone IV any time soon. Why? Well... I hate to break it to you... but the great John Hughes is dead.

What would the 80's have been like without Mr. Hughes? No Molly Ringwald. No Anthony Michael Hall. No Ally Sheedy. No Duckie... I mean Jon Cryer.

I say John Hughes was to the 80's... what Kurt Cobain was to the 90's... and what Hannah Montana is to the 00's. With that logic and math all rolled into one... Hannah Montana should be dead within 6 months.

Anyway, if you haven't seen Vacation, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Dan Quayle's favorite movie), Some Kind of Wonderful, or Planes Trains & Automobiles... well... then you're just some kind of elitist asshole and I don't want you reading my blog.

Your pal,

jme

P.S. You know why Warren Beatty sucks so much? Because he never worked with John Hughes!! Seriously... can you picture him as Matthew Broderick in Ferris Bueller's Day Off?!?!?

Vibe

Dear Blog-

It looks like Vibe magazine is going out of business. Maybe that's because the people that read Vibe magazine... CAN'T ACTUALLY READ!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Warren Beatty must die!!

Click

Dear Blog-

Click.

Your pal,

jme

Word Of The Week

Dear Blog-

This week's WOTW is:
di·ver·si·ty (dih-vur-si-tee) n.

1.	the state or fact of being diverse; difference; unlikeness.

2.	variety; multiformity.

3.	a point of difference.

Okay... wait a minute? #1 has me confused!! The state or fact of being diverse? Did they just define the word with the same word? Let's assume I don't know what the word diversity means. They're gonna just take off the ity and add an e and THAT'S gonna learn me?!?! Huh?

I find the ability to give me clarity in the word diversity has made me lose my dignity and voided the duality of my jollity and joviality, but my curiosity and depravity for the absurdity, monstrosity and tensity for the crudity definition of the word diversity makes me want to get electricity and run it through my chastity... WAIT!! Let's just use it in a fucking sentence.

I saw someone with a chastity belt on today... as I was marching (YES, MARCHING...NOT WALKING AND WAVING!!) at the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade... because I like to support people with diversity.

Yes... that includes EVERYONE!! Even Warren Beatty. For one day out of the year... I will have nothing but good thoughts for the worst actor in movie history. Nothing but happy thoughts... for that slime ball. Nothing but positive things to say about that fucking asshole. Are you listening Warren? Because your day is almost up... you old, dried up, talentless fuck!! Nothing but... aw, fuck it... you're still an asshole.

Your pal,

jme

I Might Have A Boy-Crush On Johnny Depp

Dear Blog-

I watched The Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy this weekend. I was half-way through the third one when I realized... I was watching telemundo. That Johnny Depp is sexxxy no matter what language he's speaking. I might watch me some Chocolat tonight.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Warren Beatty sucks!!

Big Phoney

Dear Blog-

Last week I had lunch with Jilligan and Nicole. Nicole used the word mustache 3 times more than Jilligan. Example...

Nicole:
I wish my husband had a mustache.
Your mustache looks like fun.
How much did you say mustache rides were? Jill, can I borrow 25 cents?

Jilligan:
Your mustache makes you look stupid.

Therefore, I was going to declare Nicole the winner of the Word of the Week. Unfortunately, I had lunch with the two girlies again today and this week's Word of the Week patricide was not used once...and trust me...there were plenty of opportunities.

Anyway, Nicole may have done a little ass kissing last week to be the WOTW champion...but she blew it this week.

Your pal,

jme

P.S. Does Warren Beatty have any kids?

Word of the Week

Dear Blog-

The word of the week is:

pat·ri·cide (pāt'rĭ-sīd') n.

1. The act of murdering one's father.
2. One who murders one's father.

That's right... patricide!! For those of you who spent Father's Day with their father... you know exactly what I'm talking about! I had a 58 second conversation with my father on the phone today and patricide is all I could think about.

Okay... let's use it in a sentence.

I did not commit patricide today, because I didn't want to fuck up my mustache . (That one is worth two points).

According to Freud... if I commit patricide I would also need to rape my mother. (Please see Oedipus complex).

I can think of 8 reasons why patricide should be legal.

Okay... you know the drill. Use this word throughout the week... but don't do it... I have to say that last part for legal reasons.

Your pal,

jme

I Need A New Safe Word!

Dear Blog-

Apparently... "FUCK ME HARDER!!" isn't a good safe word. Trust me on this. I don't know what to do? I've tried a bunch... but none of them seem to work. Or they work too well... because the cops keep showing up... or I wake up in the ER.

Here's a list of some "safe words" I've used in the past:

1. Fuck me like a 12 year old Vietnamese boy!
2. Yes... you can put that there!
3. Yes... you can beat me up!
4. I didn't say you could stop!
5. Call some friends with STD's and invite them over!
6. Use the pepper-spray!
7. Don't stop! Don't stop!
8. Put your cigarette out on my eye-lids!
9. One finger? Try the whole fist!
10. Don't worry... it will grow back!! (BTW... it does... but only after a 16 hour "procedure" with a perfect donor. Thank you Jamaal. RIP).

Anyway, I need your help. Does anyone have a better safe word for me? And before I get another hate letter from Mr. Anonymous telling me these aren't "words," they're... sentences/phrases/idioms/metaphors/similes or whatever... just remember what the objective is. I'm asking you... my reader... for help. Please share your "safe word/s" with me... so I don't have to spend another 16 hours in the ER.

Your pal,

jme

Word of the Week

Dear Blog-

Today's word of the week (or phrase, you pansy-ass anonymous tool!!) is:

mus⋅tache [muhs-tash, muh-stash]

–noun

1.	the hair growing on the upper lip

2.	such hair on men, allowed to grow without shaving, and often trimmed in any of various shapes.

Okay... now let's use it in a phrase.

Soft brown mustache
Curly red mustache

OKAY... NOW LET'S USE IT IN A FUCKING SENTENCE!!!

The writer of this blog has a mustache.

Jose likes my mustache.

Salvador Dali had the coolest mustache ever.

I once kissed an Italian grrrl who had a mustache... or better yet... I have yet to kiss an Italian grrrl who didn't have a mustache.

My mustache comb is brown.

Who wants to take a mustache ride? That's an interrogative sentence for all of you first-timers out there!!

Even a mustache couldn't make Warren Beatty cool.

The editor of this blog has a friend who wants to phuck me. I know that last sentence doesn't have mustache in it... but I just like saying it...

Okay... after all the hate-mail that I received last week... I now know that I have at least 2 readers. So remember... try to use this word as often as you can this week. Or better yet "do it." (Please see last week's word for more details).

That's right... I'm declaring June 15-21 National Grow A Mustache Week!! Ladies... don't act like you can't do this. This will be fun. WHEE!!

Your pal,

jme

HHMMM...

Dear Blog-

I think I'm starting to get this Zac Efron thing.

Your pal,

jme

Shit...

Dear Blog-

I have one of those Spaceface accounts. Guess who else does? My mom!! She asked to be my friend. I ignored her. I sense a storm a comin'.

Your pal,

jme

Best Movie Ever!!

Dear Blog-

I know sequels are rarely better then the original movie... BUT... Crank II might be the best movie of all time!! Way better than the original!! Don't bother renting it on dvd, just buy it!! When they make Crank III... it will go down in movie history as the 2nd greatest trilogy of all-time!! The High School Musical Trilogy is (of course) #1!!

Your pal,

jme

And Counting...

Dear Blog-

The number is now up to 17. Yep... I had a busy weekend.

Your pal,

jme

Word of the Week

Dear Blog-

Today's Word of the Week is:

Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation [aw-toh] [i-rot-ik] [as phyx`i a"tion]

–noun

asphyxia caused by intentionally strangling oneself while masturbating in order to intensify the orgasm through reduced oxygen flow to the brain.

Okay... now let's use it in a sentence.

You must be careful when you practice auto-erotic asphyxiation... or you will end up like David Carradine or Michael Hutchence.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. I wish Warren Beatty practiced auto-erotic asphyxiation!!

?

Dear Blog-

Guess what I bought today? A mustache comb!!

Your pal,

jme

And Counting...

Dear Blog-

The number is up to 12.

Your pal,

jme

Word of the Week

Dear Blog-

I feel a certain responsibility to give back to my reader/s. Therefore... on Mondays... I will start posting a "Word Of The Week." It will then be up to the reader/s to try to use (or do) this word as often as they can in that given week... until they are fluent in it. All of these words will be English words, but they might be words my reader/s have never heard of before. So it's kinda like learning a new language. Like Portuguese!

Okay... let's get started! The word of the week is: lu·bri·cant [loo-bri-kuhnt] n.

1. A substance, such as grease or oil, that reduces friction when applied as a surface coating to moving parts.
2. One that helps reduce difficulty or conflict.

Okay... now let's use it in a sentence:

I like to use my tongue as a lubricant.

Okay... now it's up to you... my reader/s. See how many times you can use (or do) this word throughout the week.

I'll be waiting for your feedback...

Your pal,

jme

And Counting...

Dear Blog-

Now the number is up to 7.

Your pal,

jme

Kids

Dear Blog-

A nine year old just called me a... "bald-ass-monkey-fucker!!" It was hard to argue with her.

Your pal,

jme

Did You See It?

Dear Blog-

Last night will go down in history as... "ONE OF THE GREATEST NIGHTS IN TEE-VEE LAND HISTORY!!" (times 2!!)

What am I talking about? How could you ask such a s2pid question? I'm talking about the season finale of...

DANCING WITH THE STARS!! OMG!! (times 3!!)

As you know... it's been neck and neck all season long with front runner Olympic gold medalist, Shawn Johnson and bad-boy, Giles Marini. Now I have to admit... I do like me some bad-boy!! (times 4!!) However... it was all about Ms. Johnson last night!!

First... she was prrrfect in the Cha-Cha... scoring 30/30 points on the judges cards. Originally... I had only scored her a 29/30 points... but thank god for tivo!! The reason I scored her 29/30 was because... I thought she was a little off on her static metronome beats, thus making her turn/spin slightly flat. However... it really wasn't her fault. Tivo proved that to me later. So what was the problem you ask? Poor choice of music. PYT... just doesn't do it for me. Thank god for tivo/instant replay. Hey... if hockey, football, baseball, and basketball can use it... then so can I!!

Next... there was bad boy Giles Marini. They have been neck and neck with one another all season long... and it's only fitting that it would come down to the season finale ... like game 7 of a Championship Series. Marini vs. Johnson. Magic vs. Bird. Borg vs. McEnroe. Gretzky vs. Lemieux. Bert vs. Ernie.

Mr. Marini was stellar in his Argentine Tango. His adorno, sacada, cadencia, and mordida were nothing short of PSP (Porn-Star-Prrrfect!!). He impressed everyone watching... including the judges... who gave him 30/30 points. I too scored him 30/30... and I didn't need tivo to help me make up my mind!! However... I did watch him a little bit in slow motion when he did his syncopation-hip-flexor- twist-and-stick-it move. Mmm... it was nice. He's such a bad boy!!

Well... can you believe it?!?!? With the score nodded-up at 30 to 30 they they had to go into overtime!! (Readers note: I have goosebumps the size of an Armenian woman's areolae right now as I type this!!) Anyway... I was a little disappointed when I found out there wouldn't be a dance off. No... Grease III wasn't going to happen tonight. But I was pleasantly tickled to death when I found out that... "You the viewer can call in... and cast your vote to decide the tie breaker!!" I was so excited a little pee came out. It was warm.

Now... who was I going to vote for? Bad-Boy-G-Mar... or Sweet Princess Johnson? I sat there in my viewing room and tried to be as fair and as honest as possible. I forced myself not to stare at my walls that are covered with Giles Marini posters. Who was I going to vote for?!?!?!?

Well as you know... I do like me some Bad-Boys... but I also like me some Princesses a little bit more!!

Congratulations Ms. Lady Princess Shawn Johnson!! You are nothing short of spectacular!!

Your pal,

jme

P. S. If only Warren Beatty could be on DWTS next year!!

3 Second Rule

Dear Blog-

Does the "3 Second Rule" apply if you're urinating in the men's restroom... and your gum falls out of your mouth... and lands on one of those blue urinal cakes? I mean... those things are clean... right? At least they taste clean.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. My tongue looks like Warren Beatty's balls after a date with a girl scout.

Friends

Dear Blog-

I liked Chandler the best when he was fat.

Your pal,

jme

...And Counting

Dear Blog-

So far the number is 3...

Your pal,

jme

The Neighbors Are Pissed

Dear Blog-

Apparently I scream in my sleep. I must have had that reoccurring dream again. You know... the one where Warren Beatty is mowing his lawn... shirtless!!

Your pal,

jme

Guess What?

Dear Blog-

WHEE!!

Your pal,

jme

Keep Steroids Legal

Dear Blog-

Manny Ramirez is the latest baseball player to get busted for steroids. You know what? I think steroids SHOULD be legal in baseball!! Not by the players... but by the umpires.

Think about it... would you argue balls and strikes with someone you know was suffering from "roid-rage?" I think not! It would help speed up the game and it might be fun to watch a couple of "spoiled-assed-millionaires" get their asses kicked.

Man... I wish Warren Beatty played baseball!!

Your pal,

jme

This Isn't Funny... He's After Me!!

Dear Blog-

I just ate a bug. I was eating some macadamia nuts and when I ate the first one I thought, "HHMMM... these seem a little dry." Did that stop me? No! Why? Because I'm an idiot!! When I put the last handful of nuts* (insert joke here!) in my mouth** (insert another joke here) I noticed some little black bugs crawling around in my bag. DAMN YOU, SPROUTS!!

Anyway, I have a conspiracy theory on this. I know I only have 3 readers (at most)... but one of them must be Warren Beatty. I'm sure he sits at home and Googles himself all day long AND reads everything written about him!! I think he's trying to kill me!! I don't have any proof... yet... and I know this is all hearsay... but I know he has "people." (please read "Taxes" blog post for more proof).

Okay... that being said... I just want my other 2 readers to know... that if I end up "missing"... to please have Warren Beatty arrested ASAP!! I know he's watching me! In fact... I can still smell his High Karate after shave lotion in my house. Wait! That might just be the lingering hot musky scent of the tranny I picked up last night. HHMMM... it doesn't matter?!?! I know he's after me!!

Your pal,

jme

Seriously... These People Are Still Alive?!?!?

Dear Blog-

Here's a list of people that I thought were dead, but are apparently still alive!

Jack Klugman
George McGovern
Norman Lear
Sid Caesar
Chuck Yeager
Doris Day
John Wooden
Art Linkletter
Les Paul
Kirk Douglas
Oral Roberts
Mickey Rooney
Hugh Downs
Leroy Neiman
Jane Russell
Monty Hall
Angelo Dundee
Betty White
Carl Reiner
Judge Wapner
Most of The Golden Girls
Sherwood Schwartz
Ernest Borgnine
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Lena Horne
Phyllis Diller
Betty Ford
Nancy Reagan
Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby...)
Gene Wilder
Jonathan Winters
Bob Barker
Boz Skaggs
Andy Griffith
B.B. King
Buddy Guy
Elvis
Jesus... and
Warren Beatty (I can't wait to take your name off this list!!)

Your pal,

jme

He Was Still Alive?!?!?

Dear Blog-

Dom DeLuise has died. I honestly thought he died a long time ago. I don't think he ever worked with Warren Beatty. R.I.P. Dom. F.U. Warren!!

Your pal,

jme

Guess What I'm Doing?

Dear Blog-

I'm blogging.

Your pal,

jme

Twitter

Dear Blog-

What the hell is Twitter? And Does Warren Beatty have one? I know Oprah does.

Your pal,

jme

Century Mark

Dear Blog-

It was recently brought to my attention that my blog has passed the "century mark." What does this mean? Well, I'm glad you asked. It means that I have over 100 readers!! WHEE!!

First, I want to point out (to you, Jill) that I used the verb "brought" to describe the means in which I discovered the century mark. The reason I used the word "brought" is because... even I don't read this s2pid thing!!

Second, (yes!!) I need to thank Jilligan times about 97 for reading, editing, and posting my blog. HHMMM... I guess I might also need to thank my other three readers... who I am sure found this by mistake. Well... anyway... I hope I'm your favorite mistake.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Fuck you Warren Beatty. You're the worst mistake ever!! Your father should have pulled out!!

Two-For-Tuesday!!

Dear Blog-

Today is going to be the greatest day... EVER!! Why? Well I'm glad you asked!! First, on my way to work I heard a "Two-For-Tuesday-Rock-Block" of Huey Lewis and the News. You know what? Huey was right! The Heart of Rock-n-Roll is in Cleveland. WHEE!!

I know what you're thinking, "jme... can your day get any better?" Why... yes it can!! The radio station continued to do a 'Two-For-Tuesday-Rock-Block' of Billy Squier, Twisted Sister, Quiet Riot, Skid Row, Cinderella, Poison, Warrant, White Lion, En Vogue, Winger, Trixter, Mariah Carey, Thin Lizzy, REO Speedwagon, Musical Youth, Ratt, Enya, Motley Crue, Def Leppard, The Spin Doctors, Falco, Mike & The Mechanics, Sinead O'Connor, Tiffany, Whitesnake, The Hooters, Richard Marx, Color Me Badd, Celine Dion, Jamiroquai, The Alan Parsons Project, L. A. Guns, Debbie Gibson, Van Halen (with Gary Cherone!!) Howard Jones, Oingo Boingo, Aha, Yngwie Malmsteen, The Village People, Wall of Voodoo, Frank Stallone, Hilary Duff, Latoya Jackson, Air Supply, Wang Chung, Wheatus, Supertramp, Vanilla Ice, Starship, Lionel Richie, Kenny G, John Tesh, Michael Bolton, Ace of Base, Foreigner, and Bryan Adams!!

I know what you're thinking, "jme... do you have a 12 hour commute to work every morning?" No... I don't!! But lucky for me there was a horrendous accident on the I-17 this morning. Cars were over-turned!! People were on fire!! At one point it started raining frogs!! It was awesome and the DJ just kept playing the best music EVER!! Lucky for me... I got to work just on time. Well not really... I was 4 1/2 hours late. But when I got there the DJ said... "Coming up we've got another 'Two-For-Tuesday-Rock-Block' of The Smashing Pumpkins, The Who, Dragonfly Jones, The Doors, Joy Division, The Kinks, Neil Young, Rolling Stones, Sonic Youth, Talking Heads, Rage Against the Machine, Simon & Garfunkel, The Sex Pistols, The Pixies, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, The Velvet Underground, The Clash, The Cure, Prince, David Bowie, Jane's Addiction, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles and R.E.M."

God... who wants to hear that crap?!?!? The only thing that could make this day any better is if Warren Beatty was in that car crash. WHEE!!

Your pal,

jme

Favorite Power Ranger

Dear Blog-

I think my favorite Power Ranger is the Blue one. It could definitely kick Warren Beatty's ass!!

Your pal,

jme

Dreams Times Two!!

Dear Blog-

I don't wanna give up on my dreams.

Your pal,

jme

Bed Time Snack

Dear Blog-

Last night I dreamt of monkeys eating tacos. What do you think Ziggy Freud would think of this? HHMMM... could it be that Warren Beatty's hairy chest looks like ground beef... and that I really like monkeys? I'm just sayin'!!

Your pal,

jme

I'm Sorry...

Dear Blog-

I lied to you. I've been eating eggs.

I hope I'm still your pal,

jme

Taxes

Dear Blog-

I just finished my taxes. It was awesome! I should have done it a long time ago. Why did I wait so long?!?!?!? I really enjoy doing them. I feel so appreciated now. I can't wait to do them again!!

I wonder if Warren Beatty has people to do his taxes for him? I like doing them by myself... but I guess a little help wouldn't be so bad. Fuck you Warren Beatty... and all your people!!

your pal,

jme

Almonds

Dear Blog-

Yesterday I bought some almonds. One of them looked like Warren Beatty. Then I got a strange craving for raw oysters.

Your pal,

jme

People Who Can Kick W.B.'s Ass

Dear Blog-

So this morning I woke up and thought... If Yoda lost all of his Force-like powers... could he still kick Warren Beatty's ass? Well, the answer is still obviously... YES!! Here is a list of others that could kick his ass...

Corey Feldman, the dog in the Taco Bell commercials, Martha Stewart, Uncle Jesse, Colonel Sanders, Prince Charles, Mr. Rogers, Paul Reuben, Chaka Kahn, Kermit the Frog, Buckwheat, the old lady in "Throw Momma From the Train", any old lady, Alfalfa, Stevie Wonder, men with highlights in their hair, Mo, the kid with glasses in "Jerry McGuire", Screech, The Keebler Elf, The Rice Krispie guys (what are they anyway?), men who drive Volkswagen Rabbits, Dr. Seuss, the two old guys in the Muppets, any muppet, Mr. Glass from “Unbreakable,” Mini-Me, the Beaver, Gilligan, Shaggy, Mary Kate and Ashley from their Full House days, Mary Kate and Ashley in their anorexic days, Nora Roberts, the little girl from "Little Miss Sunshine", Obama's little girls, any little girl, Tom Cruise in an eyepatch and Stephen Hawking.

Your pal,

jme

Birthday

Dear Blog-

Yesterday was Warren Beatty's birthday. How did I miss it?!?! Curse you birthdayreminder. Anyway... I think he's 112 now... and he still bangs chicks half his age. EEWWW... that's still pretty gross.

Your pal,

jme

I Saw Twilight

Dear Blog-

I saw Twilight last night. It sucked. The only thing that could have made it worse is if Warren Beatty was in it.

Your #1 fan,

jme

P. S. Please send a tissue so I can clone you... fucker!!

God hates Kurt Warner...I hate Warren Beatty

Dear Blog-

Apparently God doesn't love Kurt Warner.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Fuck you Warren Beatty.

W.B.

Dear Blog-

This morning I got up and felt like "Googling" Warren Beatty. I don't know why...maybe I heard a Madonna song yesterday and he popped in my mind. Also, you may have noticed in the first sentence I said, "got up" not "woke up." I think it's proven that lack of sleep makes people do stoopid things.

Anyway, here's what I learned...he hasn't done a movie since 2001... but yep... that doesn't keep me from hating him. Not because he dated Madonna (if I hated everyone that dated Madonna...I would hate half of Hollywood and the NBA). No...he's just really a douche bag. I don't really get why he's considered a "Hollywood-Star." And I'm not basing this without merit... I've seen his movies... Shampoo, Bonnie and Clyde, Heaven Can Wait, Reds, Ishtar, and Dick Tracy. There are others, but those are the "big ones." Oh yeah...I'm pretty sure he got an Oscar for one of those films...I'm also pretty sure it wasn't Ishtar.

Anyway, fuck you Warren Beatty.

Your pal,

jme

P. S. Mr. Beatty... will you please send me an autographed photo?